Par for the Course
by Kailene
Summary: When your name is Angus MacGyver or Jack Dalton, sometimes it doesn't pay to even get out of bed in the morning. *A Dialogue only story


**Author's Notes:**

This story was inspired by a dialogue prompt that I saw on the AO3 Facebook page. The minute I saw it, it screamed "Mac & Jack" at me, and for the first time in weeks I wasn't just staring at my computer screen I was actually putting words down. I wanted to take it one step more, challenge myself to see if I could write a full, complete story using dialogue only, while having the reader be able to follow not only the story, but also who was talking. This is the result. It was a lot harder than I'd first anticipated, lol.

A huge Thank You goes out to Gib; for being another set of eyes for me, in making sure "Mac," "Jack," and "Riley's" voices were heard, and for her enthusiasm and encouragement. They mean so much to me.

And to RiatheMai, for always taking my words and making them better

 **Dialogue Prompt from AO3 Facebook:**

"This is going better than I thought it would."

"What are you talking about? We're being held at gunpoint!"

"Yes, well, they haven't shot us yet, have they?"

 **KEY:**

 ***** ** _italics_** ***** \- action

 **ALL CAPS** – shouted

 ** _Italics_** – words are emphasized

 **Friendlies** – contact positively identified as friendly

 **O'clock** – relative direction (12 o'clock is dead ahead)

 **On Deck** – (baseball term) player that will immediately be up next

 **Copy / Good Copy** – acknowledge that information is received

 **Mike** \- minute

* * *

***MacGyver2016***

"Hey! What I tell you about hittin' the kid, huh? You know you're tryin' super hard to be all badass, but you're fallin' way short there, Boris…cuz all I see is an ass."

" _Jack_ …"

"You," _*punch*_ "American," _*punch*_ "are" _*punch*_ "insolent."

 _*punch*_

"Oh my… Is that my blood all over those fancy shoes of yours? Pity, bloods a bitch to get out and those look mighty expensive. They leather? They look leather. Italian, maybe? Bet they're comfy. Cuz nothin' puts you in a bad mood quicker then when your feet are all squished up and hurtin', am I right? You know what? Maybe that's your problem, why you're so much of a Crabby McCrankerpants. Your little tooties hurtin'?"

 _*punch*_

"Maybe, I shoot you now, hmmm… _Jack_? Right here, maybe? Right through your skull. Nice and quick. Or perhaps… Right here? Blow small hole in your leg. Have your…partner, isn't it? Not simply friend, isn't that right? Have him watch your pathetic life slowly drain away as you bleed out, helpless to do a thing. Then, it will be his turn."

"You so much as look at the kid again I'm gonna make your death even more painful than I was already gonna make it. Capiche, _comrade_? Besides, we both know you're not gonna shoot me."

"Oh, American…I like you, very much. You amuse me so. Tell me," _*punch*_ "Why is it that I am not going to kill you, hmm?"

"Cuz guys like you, Vlad, are control freaks; you need to know everything, want all the answers. And right now, you don't know squat about me. And well, if you kill me now, you're never gonna know where you screwed up, are you? How I found out about you and all these nice, shiny weapons that you swiped, and that's gonna drive you crazy."

* _punch_ *

"You and I are going to have such fun together, _Jack_. I am going to enjoy getting to know you, discovering what will make you scream… What will make you beg for mercy."

"Bring it. Better men have tried."

"I do so love a challenge…It has been long time since I have broken a man such as yourself. Now…make yourselves comfortable. I will return. Then we will be leaving this place, and you both will be joining us on our journey to your new home."

 _***MacGyver2016***_

"This is going better than I thought it would."

"What are you talking about, Jack? We're being held at gunpoint!"

"Yes, well, they haven't shot us yet, have they?"

" _Yet_ , Jack! _Yet_! That small, three-letter adverb at the end is the key and most _important_ part of that statement. And the longer we hang here with our hands _literally_ tied, at the total mercy of our less than friendly _hosts_ over there, the greater the likelihood of your _not yet_ becoming _right now_ , especially with you being all, well…you."

"Well now, aren't you all sunshine and rainbows, Mr. Happypants. And hey now _, me being all me,_ what the heck kind of veiled insults are you insinuating against my personage, homey?"

"Personage? That's not… You know what? Never mind. And that dig was in no way veiled, _homey_. You've been poking the bear ever since they caught us. You're starting to look like Rocky after Clubber Lang was done with him."

"Which one?"

"What? Which one what? Jack, what are you talking about? Do I have to start worrying about you having a concussion?"

"Pffft… Nah, I'm fine, dude. I'm talkin' about the fight, man. Which fight? Come on…Which epic Balboa, Lang fight are you referring to? Do I need to worry about _you_ having a concussion, bro, because you're usually much, much quicker on the uptake than this."

" _I_ actually _am_ fine, thank you. Though I am starting to consider that perhaps Matty was mistaken in her assessment that it's _you_ who has been blown up too many times. It would go a long way in explaining how I keep getting pulled into conversations likes these at the most inopportune times."

"It's because I'm awesome and you love me."

"Doubtful on both accounts, partner. Second fight, alright? The second one, the rematch, round two. And no…what are you ten? Don't smile at that. _You_ , like the fictional characters that you idolize so much, employ the strategy of provocation and antagonism to distract and neutralize targets, attaining great joy and satisfaction in the process as well as in the ensuing results."

"Is that your fancy, big-worded, nerd way of saying that I like to annoy and rile up our bad guys du jour with insults to throw them off their game?"

"You excel at it."

"Thank you."

"That wasn't a compliment, Jack."

"Hmm. Well, potato, patahto and all that. I _would_ like to point out to you, however, that like _the_ _mission that shall not be named_ , you are essentially responsible for us being zip-tied, chained, and hung like some mackerel on a hook."

"How is that my fault? You—"

" _And_ another thing, I don't want to pressure you or nothin'. I mean, I, of all people, know how you work and how much you hate it when I get all antsy and start asking you a million times if you have a plan yet or not, so I've really been workin' on my patience when it comes to that. But after doin' this gig together for as long as we have, I thought we had this dance down pat and into a system. You really sure you're okay? Seriously, no leftover residuals from the dip you took into that goo in Bangladesh earlier this week?"

" _Jack_ —"

"I have been holdin' up my end you know, brilliantly may I add, employing my, as you say, _provocation_ _and_ _antagonism,_ to keep our friends way over there on the other side of this here big-ass warehouse busy, but so far, I gotta say, hoss, I'm not seein' any of that brianiac innovation in action to get us out of this here mess you got us into.

"Ok, first of all, how is us getting caught in any way _my_ fault? Huh? I believe I was the one that said we should perhaps wait for some sort of backup, or at the very least call it in so Matty, or I don't know, _somebody_ , knew where the heck we were and what we were up to. It's not like this was a mission, or that we have comms, or even back-up for that matter! It was _you_ who said, _we should check this out, Mac. They look suspicious, Mac., They're up to something, Mac."_

"Mmm hmm, yes, yes I did say all that, and I was right as rain, too. Wasn't I?"

"I'll be sure to put that on your grave stone: _Here_ _lies Jack Dalton. He was right as rain_."

" _Hey_! Hey now, what I tell you about that, huh? You don't go doin' that and sayin' stuff like that into existence. You know better than that, dude! And besides… Those guys are bad news with a capital B. Those are military grade weapons they have lined up all nice and pretty over there against that wall, some of which took about a three-month wait and a mile of requisition forms for even Delta to get our hands on. I believe I also followed all those statements up with, _I need a small distraction, Mac._ Small. _Not_ big, _not_ large. Small, as in _tiny_. But you, nooooo… You took one glimpse at all those chemicals, and all those random do-hickeys and all those thingamabobs in that utility closet we found and it's like you found your Nirvana. Your eyes lit up so bright I think they actually glowed."

"That was spectacular, though, wasn't it?"

"That is was, brother. That is was. Makes the top ten on Jack Wyatt Dalton's _, MacGyver's MacGyerisms._ Still workin' on that title though. To be honest, not all that in love with that one. Think I need something a bit snazzier, a little catchier, more…grab ya by your face and shake you up. Know what I mean?"

"You keep a list?"

"Of course I have a list, Angus. Gonna be a best seller too, movie rights, the whole shabang. Oh…oh, and we'll have full and total say in who all plays us in the movie adaptation of our adventures, of course."

"Let me guess; Bruce Willis will play Jack Wyatt Dalton?"

"Right? Right? So you think so too, huh? I can't think of anyone better suited to portray all this badassery than the legend himself either. You…? Hmmm, well, much like my book title, that's still a work in progress. Nobody has jumped out at me that quite encompasses all your _Rain Man meets Einstein_ peculiar, idiosyncratic uniqueness. With that said, I don't suppose you could _Jean Gray_ your magic knife over here to us so you can use it to pick these chains we're all wrapped up in, cut the ties and get us free, huh?"

"Yeah, sorry Jack, but unfortunately telekinesis isn't in my wheelhouse."

"Well, I have faith in you, little buddy. If anybody can overcome that little obstacle and make it happen, it'd be you. Just think of how cool it would be, though, to levitate our baddies? Have 'em just floating out there in space? Legs and arms all flailin' in every direction, face all angry red, and eyes all—"

" _Jack_! Focus!"

"Yeah, yeah, sorry, get a little carried away sometimes."

"Just sometimes?"

"Hey now, no need to go gettin' all testy on me now. I think your blood sugar must be getting' low. Better get you a burger or something to eat."

"Well considering that's exactly what we're _supposed_ to be doing right now, yeah… I'd love a burger, and an ice cold beer to go with it."

"I gotta agree with you on that one, Carl's Jr, a nice cold one would be fantastic right about now. How 'bout we plan for that at, say, 10 o'clock….or maybe 3 o'clock? Get some friendlies on deck with us? You copying me?"

"Uh…yeah. Yeah, that's a good copy. And I think maybe one Mike to the party is enough to have it go off with a bang."

 _*bang*_

"FREEZE!"

"DROP IT! I SAID DROP THE GUN!"

* _bang_ * * _bang_ *

"REST OF YOU, ON THE GROUND! RIGHT NOW!"

"GET! DOWN!"

 _***MacGyver2016***_

"Riles…you are a sight for sore eyes."

"Well, you sure got the sore part down, that's for sure. You alright, old man? You look like shit."

"Thanks for that, sweetie. And, really, I'm fine."

"Uh huh, yeah, excuse me while I don't believe a word of that, Jack. You know, I swear, you two could find trouble in an empty room, you know that?"

"Well, technically, Riley, no room is ever really, truly empty. In fact—"

"You're really not helping your case, Mac. Bozer and I sent you guys to the grocery store. _The grocery store!_ A simple, everyday, normal food run. Millions of people around the world do them everyday without incident. But no, not you two. Somehow, the two of you manage to not only get yourselves mixed up in an illegal muli-country arms deal, but also captured by the crazy-ass Russian who heads up the entire thing. Oh, and FYI…you both have managed to piss off not only Interpol, but half a dozen of the alphabet agencies by blundering your way into an operation that they've been trying to infiltrate and take down for months."

"We did not blunder, exactly. We had a plan and everything this time. Didn't we, Mac?"

"Yeah, and I can plainly see just how well that plan went, Jack. Now, would you boys like a little help or should I just give Mac back his wonder knife and have him go to town? On second thought, no… you know what? You've both caused enough chaos the last forty-eight hours. We certainly do not need anymore added to it with whatever Mac would come up with if I gave him back his Boy Scout blade. So—"

"Hey!"

"What? It's true, Mac. So…we, meaning _me_ , are going to use bolt cutters. And, seein' as how I think that these chains are the only things that are holdin' Jack up at the moment, you're up first, Mac. Watch your fingers… There ya go."

"Thanks, Riley. One down, one to go. You ready partner?"

"More than. Just get me the heck down."

"Alright, Riley, you cut; I'll get ready to catch him if he collapses."

" _He_ is standing right here, you know, and can hear you and answer for his own damn self. And _he_ is certainly not going to coll—"

"Woah!"

"Jack! I got you. I got you, big guy, easy. You alright? That's it; keep your legs underneath you. Jack…?"

"Mmm hmm… Yeah, I'm… uh… Yeah, I'm good. Good. Just ah…a little head rush is all. It's all good now."

"Totally looks like it too, buddy. And because that word doesn't mean what you think it does, you're going to be a good little soldier and let Riley and I help outside."

"Mac, I'm fi—"

" _Or_ … You choose door number two, and Riley and I let go of you and you fall flat on your face in front of your TAC Team. So… which will it be? Your choice."

"You been hangin' around Matty too long, hoss. You're gettin' just as manipulative as she is. And seein' as how I wouldn't want to go hurtin' either of your delicate sensibilities or nothin', it'll be my pleasure to be escorted out by two fine, upstanding, young millennials such as yourselves."

"Wise decision, my friend. C'mon… That's it, one foot in front of the other. We'll have the doc at Phoenix check you out. I think you're the proud new owner of a few broken ribs and a concussion."

"Thank you for your diagnosis, Dr. Spock. While you're probably right about the _mild_ concussion, I've been the recipient of enough busted ribs in my time to know these are, at best, slightly fractured. I'm just gonna be sore as all hell tomorrow. Our host had a mean right cross."

"Well, old man, Nikolai—and don't ask me to pronounce his last name—has about a foot and a good seventy-five pounds on you. You're real lucky he was feeling generous and didn't do more damage to you."

"Seriously, kiddo, I really am fine. I promise. I'll get checked out, and then I plan on parking my butt on Mac's deck and not moving. I won't even complain or fuss when y'all go Mother Hen on me."

"That's because we'll be waiting on you hand and foot, and you won't have to lift a finger, Jack. Alright… easy here, few steps down then it's a straight shot to the car."

"And the downside of that is what now, amigo? And hey, how'd you find us anyway, Riles?"

"Findin' you was easy, Jack. I just used my rig to access the nanobots that are swimming around in your bloodstream and they told me exactly where you were."

" _Nanobots_! Oh god… They're in me? _Right now_? You put… Oh god…"

"RILEY! Seriously? Don't tell him that—"

" _Don't tell him?_ Don't. Tell. Him? _You_! You're _supposed_ to be my partner, pal! You knew about this? Haven't you two seen any of the movies...! RoboCroc? The Borg! The _T-1000_ himself! It never ends well. Oh no… Oh… They're gonna—"

"Jack…JACK! Buddy, breath. There. Are. No. Nanobots. That technology is… You know what, never mind. Just, trust me, I wouldn't lie to you. Not about something like this. Seriously, Riley is just giving you a hard time. Aren't you, Riley? _Riley_ …"

"Alright, alright fine. Yes. Jack, I promise you. There are no nanobots in your body."

"You promise? Like…really, really promise? No sentient, little computer monsters creepin' around my insides that are gonna eat into my brain and take me over?"

"No. I promise, Jack… On your dad's grave, I promise. When you guys didn't return, and I couldn't find you at the store, I starting searching any cams I could find in the area. It took me a bit, but I finally tracked your car. Then I ran all the buildings in a ten-block radius of where it was parked. This one and a few others in the business park looked the most promising for nefarious business transactions, so I borrowed a satellite, ran some infrared, and the TAC Team started knockin' till we found you.

"But you remember this, Jack Wyatt Dalton; don't tempt me. I swear to you. You get for scaring the hell outta me for just up and disappearing like that. You do this again and I will tag you, somehow. Mark my words. No more of that; you hear me?"

"Loud and clear, sweetie. Loud and clear. I promise."

"And Riley… Thanks for adding to the crazy that is my partner. You do realize that for the next six months, every time Jack so much as gets a little twinge of pain, or a headache I'm going to be hearing about this and having to reassure him that there aren't, in fact, tiny computers trying to _take him over_ , right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I do, Mac. And that is your _punishment_ for worrying me so much. Now, how 'bout we get this show on the road, huh? Get you checked out, gramps? And Jack, if you're real good and follow the doc's instructions, there might be a big ole steak with your name on it waiting for you."

"Then what are we waitin' for… Let's go."


End file.
